I love you…

Posted: January 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

I am so lucky to say that t and I have now been together almost 2 years. Looking back and reading old posts make me appreciate even more the relationship with t that I have been fortunate enough to cultivate the last few years.

There are no reversals of the sentiments that I feel towards t. Every day, I imagine that more and more stars align perfectly with each other because each day, I am reminded of just how much this amazing person loves me and cares for me.

Being long distance across two different countries while each pursuing PhDs allows us only to rely on messaging and occasional skyping, but I have no complaints if this is how it has to be for a little while. I love him that much. He is that worth it. He makes me smile each and every day. I love him, I love him, I love him with every inch of my body and every inch of my soul.

Love

Posted: May 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

I think I’ve fallen completely in love with t, and it’s the most amazing yet terrifying feeling I’ve ever had.

Posted: March 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

Smitten.  Like a kitten.

🙂

Regret

Posted: March 23, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I am starting to realize that I may have just let go of the most amazing person I will have ever met.  And I think he’s already forgot about me.  Or at least I think he’s trying to forget about me.  This makes me sad.  But then I wonder, if we had kissed, if I had said yes, would it have changed things?  Would we have skipped the goofiness and all the laughter and gone immediately to that lovey-dovey- sexual kind of relationship that I’ve been trying to avoid all this time?  It’s always the “what if” game it seems.

*sigh* I guess that’s it though.  I just wish it wasn’t.

Just got back from Louisiana for the graduate conference.  I had the absolute most amazing time and met the most amazing people.  One of them being T.  He’s everything I’ve always wanted in a guy, and by that I mean that he is such an incredible person and the coolest person I’ve really ever met.  And he likes me for the actual person that I am.  We both connected instantly by our mutual weirdness and awkwardness 🙂

Problem: He lives in Toronto.  I live in New York. Oh, and the fact that he feels I rejected him.

I already miss him, which kind of freaks me out, but at the same time, it’s not like with other guys.  Ok, but it’s not like I rejected him.  I just didn’t let him kiss me.  I guess I should’ve told him how I feel about him.  I hope now HE doesn’t reject me 😦

Today was the first day of my volunteering at CUNY’s Citizenship Now! program. It made my heart smile and reminded me just how much I loved being able to give back. With every experience I’ve ever had in volunteering, I’ve always learned so much and benefitted more than I feel I contributed. I’ve met amazing people, heard amazing stories, and learned invaluable lessons about life in general.

Today I was partnered with two women who were both taking the citizenship exam for different reasons and had two very different stories. Luisa, in particular, really caught my attention and respect because of how hard she’s worked and how much she’s sacrificed. She explained how she understood that she needed to do those things in order to get back in the long-term and move up, while everyone around her was making fun of her for working low-class jobs just to get by. After talking to her, I realized that there will always be people who she described as never getting anywhere because of what they already have.

After the class, I felt the slightest surge of courage to pick myself up again and once again pursue my goal. It reminded me that I need to do whatever it takes to get there. No matter how discouraged I get, no matter how tired I am, persevere until I get there. No turning back.

Monies

Posted: March 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

This year I really panicked thinking about taxes, knowing that my last employer classified me as self-employed and didn’t take out any taxes from my paycheck.  Although it was only a part-time job, I was still worried.  And filing for New York doesn’t help either.  Either way, I talked to some tax experts, and they advised me to try to file my own taxes anyways before submitting them to see how much I would owe and if I would get anything back.  So two days ago, I successfully e-filed my taxes and got a surprisingly good amount back!  Yay!

This brought me to thinking…This year I got an Earned Income Credit (EIC) for having been unemployed for a little time, which made me think of all the other kinds of credits and income that are taxed.  For those who are receiving unemployment benefits, unlike last year, all unemployment income is taxable, and there is no tax break like there was last year for the first $2,400.  So ha!  Those people who I know who are just dicking around, using their unemployment benefits to travel and have fun WILL get taxed!

I know, it’s not nice to have these kind of thoughts, but I find it really unfair that some people take advantage of things like that.  Anyways, I should just care about my own business, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Like llamas, only fuzzier

Posted: March 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

I don’t care what anyone says…in my next lifetime, I am going to be an alpaca.  They’re so adorable and awesome.

Fear

Posted: March 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I don’t think there’s ever been a time such as now that I’ve been as scared about what my life is going to be and where it’s supposed to go.  I have no motivation, no happiness, nothing to really look forward to.  Actually, the more I think about the future, the more depressed I get.  Yesterday I had a good conversation with J, but I feel even more down again because every conversation with a friend is another slap in the face that I’m a failure and a joke.

And now, again, I feel like I’ve been dumped for some reason by E, even though we were never even a couple to begin with and probably won’t even be friends after our last conversation.  I’m tired of falling for guys who use me as an emotional punching bag for their insecurities.  And yet, I can’t seem to escape it.  I feel like it’s all I’m good for sometimes.  I’m good at “being there” for people.  Yet I can’t be there for myself.

I wonder if I really ever will find a guy to like me for the person that I am and not for the looks that I have.  All I ever hear is, “Of course you will,” but really?  It hasn’t happened yet.
So here I am.  Empty-handed.

Harder than a Heartbreak

Posted: February 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I’ve been crying a lot lately.  Actually, it’s more like that hysterical can-hardly-breath kind of sobbing.  Every night.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with my career now, and do you know what’s the worst?  You realize that some of the friends that always rely on you and confide in you and depend on you to cheer them up when they’re down can’t do the same for you.  Instead, they continue to talk about themselves and trivial things that hardly matter and basque in the life that they’ve saturated with a “me, me, me” mentality.  Well, I guess that’s my fault though.  I guess I’m the one who surrounded myself with self-absorbed people who lack compassion or empathy.

Wow, life just keeps getting better.